Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Grilling Awsome Corn on the Cob


I know you wanna know how to grill the second most awesome corn on the cob ever. Sadly, I cannot help you. However, if you'll settle for the most awesome corn on the cob ever, you've come to the right place.

Step 1: Buy the freaking corn. I purchased my corn in husks at Walmart. Although it's not my favourite place to shop, right now it seems to be the only store selling corn in cobbed form.

Step 2: Go home.

Step 3: Don't husk the corn. Fill your sink part way and soak the corn. I soaked mine for about 10 minutes. If you aren't old enough to use water, ask your parents for permission.

Step 4: Light your charcoal grill. Right now I'm using Basques Sugar Maple charcoal, however you may use a different kind. If you're awesome though, you'll copy me.

Step 5: Shake the excess water off your corns and put 'em on your hot grill. Put the lid on and let them cook. The water will steam the corn on the inside. Turn them over after 12-15 minutes. Let the husks get nice and dark. If you cook them too long, the corn will become very bendy. I cooked mine for 30 minutes.

Step 6: Take your awesome corn off the grill when they are extremely dark all the way around. Black is ok! Hold a cob in your BBQ glove (or dishtowel if you're a sissy), and peel back the husk with your other hand. It comes off very easily. It looks like this.

Step 7: Put on your butter, salt and whatever else you like. Some sissies like Tabasco sauce. Or pepper. Or HP sauce. That's totally gross and you're a freak if you like it that way, but I'm not judging you.

Step 8: Eat your corns!

Step 9: Once corn is fully digested go to the bathroom. Rinse and repeat.

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Monday, June 20, 2011

Night Grilling Insanity

Fireflies are jealous of my charcoal light show.I can't stop grilling. My new charcoal grill has got me so excited I find myself making food at all hours of the night.

To start, I take my rapid-start chimney, crumple some newspaper up and jam it into the bottom. However, if my neighbours are in their backyards, and I don't feel like disturbing them, I use my Big Green Egg fire-starters which are smokeless little squares of pressed cardboard and wax. I then pour charcoal into the top and fill 'er up.

Lighting the newspaper (or fire-starter blocks) really beats pushing an ignition button on a gas BBQ. Once the charcoal starts to burn, it puts on a most excellent show, especially at night.

With blue flames shooting up from the chimney, I can roast a pre-dinner marshmallow in under 4 seconds. And when the charcoal has a nice grey coating all over it (usually 10 minutes), I pour it into the bottom of the grill and I'm ready to go.

Grilling is an event. With a gas BBQ you turn a few knobs and the burners ignite. It's not exciting, but it gets the job done. With grilling, lighting the charcoal is half the fun. Or in my case, about 79.2% of the fun, because I ain't no chef, but I might just be a bit pyro. (What can I say? It's badass.)

It's 11:03 pm? Time to grill some corn on the cob! I need an intervention! And when you all come over to stop me, I'll make you some great food!

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Friday, June 10, 2011

Newer Isn't Always Better

2006 Lawn-Boy Insight, and a 1979 Kick-Ass Insight-killing machine of grass-cutting splendor and magnificence!

In with the old, out with the new. Again. Step into my backyard and you might think you just hit 88 mph in the DeLorean. First I ditched the convenience of my gas BBQ for a 1970's throwback, and now it's the lawnmower's turn.

Last summer my 4 year old Lawn-Boy quit. I had the primer replaced and it gave me another 3 solid weeks of sporadic operation before I started borrowing my dad's 25-year-old Toro. Which has never had a tune-up or repair in its life. (Lawn-Boy, you reading?)

Lawn-Boy customer service was unable to answer any of my questions regarding the new Kohler engines, other than to say they, Lawn-Boy, prided themselves on their reliability. Which basically means nothing.

I decided that if I wanted true reliability, I had to go back in time. Back to 1979. To my old 2-stroke, aluminum deck Lawn-Boy. So, for less than half the price of a new, unreliable mower that would quit on me a month after the warranty, I had my old 2-stroke rebuilt.

What a no-brainer.

It's practically maintenance-free without oil or air filters to change. And what a beautifully devised machine, especially with that adorable off-set wheel. Oh how I miss the quality and design of yesteryear. Has anyone else noticed how much design is suffering these days? For example, car shapes are essentially dictated entirely by aerodynamics.

I miss the good ol' days when design was unrestrained and just.... super duper spiffy. Willikers! I'm really starting to think I should've been born in the 50s.

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Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Charcoal for my Soul

My new, old-school Weber grill.Long time no post. Things have been tough lately. I'll give you the nutshell, not that you're interested. So, if you don't give two shits about my pathetic life, go right ahead and skip to the end of this paragraph. Do it. I won't mind. What?? You're still reading? Impossible. Alright then, what have I been up to? Geez. I got no idea.

Now the good stuff. I miss my grandparents. I miss their 60s interlocking brick patio. I miss their 60s aluminum folding chairs. I miss their homemade gingerbread men. I miss BBQs at their house on Father's Day.

I'm tired. Tired of cell phones. Tired of the internet. Tired of keeping up with the Jonses. Tired of technology and life in general let me tell you what. And you know what else? I'm tired of cooking with gas.

I've struggled with my stainless steel BBQ for years. It takes 20 minutes to heat up and the food tastes more boring than Stephen Harper's pants. Look I know it's a terrible analogy but let me ask you, have you ever noticed Harper's pants? That's right, you haven't. Because they're BORING. And if you're American you might be asking "Who the hell is Harper?" Lucky you.

My Centros BBQ is rusting. Sure the burners are stainless, but what's the point when the body rusts out from beneath it? Instead of repairing it or forking out an insane amount of money for a new one made in China, I chose the path less travelled. I bought a charcoal BBQ. A Weber One-Touch Gold. Made in the USA.

Best dead pig bits EVERNope, there's no temperature gauge. Nope, you can't turn down one half to keep food warm. And nope, there's no instant, push-button ignition.

But what there is is DAMN tasty food in nearly half the time using the Rapidfire chimney starter and some hot-burning charcoal. The charcoal I'm using now is Basques Sugar Maple Hardwood, from Quebec. It's harvested as part of a government reforestation project. AND IT MAKES FOOD TASTE LIKE CRACK.

I'm addicted. And I'm no chef. Before this I could only make toast and ice cubes. I now daydream at work about experimenting with my BBQ. Screw the gas I say. I'm tired of unreliable modern shit. So it's out with the new, and in with the old!

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